2 days into vegetarianism, I went down with what felt like a terrible hangover. Woke up with a ringing headache - very unusual for me unless I've been drinking gallons of red wine the night before, which I hadn't. It's dry January, remember? - a state which progressed into feelings of nausea and exhaustion.
I baled out of work half way through the day, also very unusual for me.
Was this detox?
Fast forward through 5 days of vegetables, beans, nuts and water. I think the medical term is flatus, but my guts are beginning to get used to it.
On a mercy mission with daughter (a prime architect of the current nutritional regime) to visit elderly mother in Cheltenham, whizzing happily down the A417 in the Cotswolds. We were just talking about lunch.
'Mmm, yes I'm hungry. Pub lunch? '
Then we remembered that we were vegetarians, and that this might make a Sunday pub roast slightly challenging. And what's more, mission creep seemed to crept up on me yet again, and where this had initially morphed surreptitiously from dry January to de-tox vegetarianism, apparently now I was heading for the full planet-saving vegan.
'You know you want to be a vegan, Dad. Anyway, you have to, otherwise we're all going to die. Do you want me to die?'
'Well, no, of course not'
'Well then we all have to become vegans and that includes you'
'There's a pub'
As we skidded off the main road and lurched into the gravel of the car park in front of the picture-perfect roadside hostelry, our hopes were not high. We imagined the sudden silence in the bar as we feebly asked
'Could we have the roast pork without the pork, please?' silently wondering whether the gravy was made from boiled animals or not, as the locals prepared the gibbet in the pub garden.
'That's what we did with the last people who looked they might vote for Jeremy Corbyn' they'd say as they poked their pitchforks at the tattered remnants of the last vegetarian in the county.
But not a bit of it. No less than 7 vegetarian or vegan main course options on the menu. Oh yes, here in rural Gloucestershire (http://www.thegoldenheart.co.uk), the world has already changed. We are clearly bang on track for a rosy future for generations to come, with no starving children, no desertification, no war and no economic crises ever again.
The nut roast was a triumph: peace, love and eternal cosmic wisdom. Right here, now!